It has been a year.

 Wow I was admitted a year ago today.  Tightness in my chest, breathlessness.  I could barely walk up my stairs.  I was taken from urgent care in an ambulance to ER where I was admitted to cardiology immediately.  It made no sense. I still don't understand. I look for clues in everything.  I did do intermittent fasting and loved tough workouts that would burn me out. I still love them.  The best I can tell is that a rush of cortisol hit my heart during my effort to climb and it was too much.  I actually cannot remember if I ate that morning or not.  I had stayed in a hotel the night before we went hiking so it is actually likely that I ate something.  But I cannot remember.  I loved how easily fasting helped my maintain my weight, but now I do eat in the morning, or before I workout.  I heard it can help with cortisol.  I have tried to cut back on my all out workouts, listen to my body a bit more. 

It is interesting because over the past few years had been thinking that my body has wanted to use slower exercise, but implementing that has been not happening. Despite yoga retreats and classes, I used exercise to punish myself in some ways. That I eat too much at times, that I don't look like people on TV or of my pretty friends.  I see someone who is my age and they look amazing and i think I should be the same. The lessons of middle school have stuck with me for far too long! 

I am also afraid of giving up on any physical fitness I have achieved. Yes because I like to do fun things and not sit on the sidelines. I like to try it all. But also because I fear being left out, left behind. We all know that making choices based on fear is bad.  Whether its fear that I won't look ideal or that I will be left out it does not matter. Age happens, slowing down a bit happens.  Not that I am saying that I am giving up on fitness or on physical challenges, no not at all. I am still in the game but just in a much more measured approach.  I want to do a sprint triathlon for my 60th.  Granted injuries pop up more often now,  so we will see if that happens.  

I have found that as I have relaxed the chokehold that working out had on me I am better able to hold onto my boundaries and accept my limitations in so many other ways. I see people I love, like my kids giving a pass to things that are not right for them.  They do it without fear of others leaving them out or of being left behind. 

I did go back to Intermittent Fasting, or I tried to.  But I am now eating protein in the morning and I do feel emotionally a bit more stable and calm. I do the occasionally bootcamp style class but I am cutting back.  I have been listening to Stacey Simms and others that say for my age 59 and gender, female, that stressing my body out may not be in its best interest. I still "lift".  I do 30 minutes 3x per week and make sure I get some cardio in most days. 

I actually feel fine and even had a pretty big surgery this year. I am back to working out, I feel energetic and I have planned another hiking trip. 

It is concerning that they know so little about Takotsubo and the ties to emotions and least in my case seem week and untrue.  Was it the Covid vaccine? The IF, to stressful exercise, all factors combined?  I don't think I will really know. 

Hear Failure and Healthy: Just a girl in heart failure.

 Well I did not see this coming. I mean I ran the marathon for my 50th birthday.  I am 58 now. In fact mere days before I did a 45 minute bootcamp, alternately running and lifting.   I could be thinner, with a BMI of 25.2, putting just outside of a healthy BMI.  Lord knows I try and I do believe I eat healthy 70% of the time.   But here we are. In heart failure.  Literally my heart has failed me despite my clear arteries, low blood pressure and low resting heart rate. My heart has seized up and become paralyzed, not pumping on the left side.  My EF number was between 15-20% , this apparently was bad.  I mean I had no idea less than a week ago about any of these things. Nothing. Nada.  I was wholly focused as far as health is concerned on cognitive decline because of my mom's history, keeping strength to battle my osteoporosis diagnosis and managing my hypothyroid, which is stable anyway. 

The number one thing people want to tell me is manage my stress, but I go to yoga and meditate, tho not as consistently as 1 should.  My  five adult  kids, while always giving me something to worry about are not stressful like in the early years when danger seemed imminent due to the nature of kids and so many of them. In fact I just have embarked on a sabbatical in which I was looking forward to working out, growing my small business and having more time than ever for myself and my own small interests. So no, I disagree that suddenly I couldn't handle my stress.  

Let me tell you what led to my acute phase of this heart failure literally days ago.  If anything the most mind blowing concept to me is that the morning leading up to the event I was feeling buoyant, happy to have a few hours in Shenandoah National Park on my own.  Like whistling dixie kind of happy.  The morning had followed a nice meal with my college son and his friends and meeting his girlfriend. Nothing at all was wrong or stressful.  

We set out to the park with 6 college kids and myself. It was hot, 96 degrees and humid.  The kids were taking on the toughest hike available, and to be honest I had wanted to do that hike as well and the only reason I didn't was because I don't hike fast. I naturally go slow and I enjoy seeing the nature around me not just scurrying up.  This is to say physically I felt completely up for it. 

So because I was alone I had thought to do an easy hike, then come back and catch up on some work while i waited for the rest to finsih. The ranger had a an idea for a closer, shorter  hike, I took his advice as it turned out this hike was also 9 miles. On the map it was 5.2 but in reality it was more than 2 miles to the trail head, honestly  I do not think it was a good suggestion to send a 58 year old woman out in that heat to do a 9 mile hike ALONE. 

But maybe it didn't matter because I didn't get too far. I walked a little over two miles to the trail head. The trail was steep, very steep.  I went up about .3 miles and started to feel sick.  Nauseous, dizzy. But I thought I was already 2.3 miles in and that the turn around would be in .2 miles more. Miscalculating because the ranger had said that the hike was 5 miles, forgetting to let me know that that number did not include the walk to the trail head.  .4 miles in an I had to stop, I was very dizzy, close to blacking out. I ate and drank hoping to feel better, nothing helped. I began to walk down. Thankfully I got cell service and was able to reach my son, who long story short sent search and rescue. I made it to the trail head where they met me.  There was no physical exam, the assumption being heat exhaustion.    When I was still I did feel better.  I was given water, dropped off at my car where I sat in the AC. 

However I didn't really feel all that much better after a few hours of rest. We got food and I went back to my hotel and got in bed. The next day it was worse. I could barely walk without feeling faint and breathless, by chest was tight. The trip back to NY was torturous. Each stop was so difficult.  I could barely walk. I felt I was going to black out if I moved. We did get home and I went to bed and slept. 

I woke up the next day. The same tightness and breathlessness.  I went to urgent care they sent me to the hospital.   At the hospital they tested my blood and then did an angiogram.  My arteries were completely clear but the left side of my heart was not pumping. The echocardiogram revealed an EF of 15-20%. 

The strange thing is the nurses were so congratulatory.  They though I would go home and be 100%, but not at all.  I can walk and push myself to make my 10,000 steps, my breathiness has improved, but my blood pressure is low, so low I can barely take my medicine because they lower your blood pressure further. 

I feel blindsided, shocked, devastated, alone.  So alone.  6 days ago I felt great, now my health is gone. I am not sure how to recover it, I feel a complete loss of control.  

My kids are home right now and I feel compelled to be upbeat and not worry them.  But I am sad and worried.